Open Letter: Our President Who Art in London, Buhari Be Thy Name

Dear President Muhammadu Buhari,
I hope your recuperation is on course as reported by your special adviser on media and publicity - Femi Adesina? I also hope the United Kingdom weather is not too harsh on your skin sir? 
Despite the suspicious reports from your media team about a normal 10-day vacation turning to an indefinite sick leave, some of us are still praying for you for the love and solidarity to our ailing country, Nigeria.
There have been conflicting press statements about your state of health. Some ridiculous people claim you are already dead and that you have been summarily buried in London according to Islamic rites. Some 'gods of men' who predicted your death in their Churches have been jeering up for the dreaded outcome to cement their credibility at the expense of our beloved country. I was flabbergasted recently when a social media user alleged you were supposed to undergo a critical brain transplant which failed. In uneasy hilarity, the netizen claimed your brains were supposed to be swapped with that of a brilliant white man to help us overcome the menace of economic recession already driving towards national depression.
SaharaReporters, your supposed old friend even alleged you could be in London for about 4 months due to a proposed major surgical operation to solve a myriad of health challenges confronting you.
All these mean rumours and malicious reports shouldn't astound you sir, some brains of the common men can't function to optimum level due to lack of balanced diet. We are not eating to grow or enjoy ourselves like we did under the administration of former President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan; under you we are eating simply to survive until 2019 when we can do the needful democratically. 
As a political scientist sir, I envisage that the 'silent voters' that saw off the U.S Democratic Party presidential candidate in the last election, Hillary Clinton in your own case might come from the northern region which is your stronghold. The concept of political behaviour has overtime proven to be unforeseeable and you could be the victim due to the current economic vulnerability of the people.
The country has remained divided into two major groups of people. The expectant masses that have been chained in their quest for your 'change' under the All Progressives Congress-led administration makes up the first group and they are ridden with a rare combo of fierce anger and hunger.
The second group of people are the privileged few with links to the current players of the APC power formation. They are perceived to have a huge financial base that cushions the effect of the current economic recession. They are presently eating at the political dining table and will likely not talk in strict observance of table manners.
The first group is a very bitter and vicious team crippled with the rising cost of living in Nigeria. The members are more affected with the gap between the naira and the dollar at the parallel market. Some of them have recorded colossal financial losses in the contentious Russian Ponzi Scheme - Mavrodi Mondial Moneybox, MMM partially due to the failings of this current government.
This group of people have no electricity in their homes despite paying inflated power bills courtesy of your Minister of Darkness, sorry I mean Power, Works and Housing, Babatunde Raji Fashola. They lack potable water, access to soft loans to start businesses and they have committed the security of their lives and properties in the hands of the hosts of heaven. 
Some of them have lost their jobs with several hungry mouths to feed. Some of the workers in this star-crossed group are yet to be paid salaries for months by their state governments as well as mushroom private companies. Others have had their salaries slashed due to the economic squeeze while a few of those who retained their usual salaries have become born again Christians after being incapacitated by the current inflationary trend.
Some of us are of the opinion that your medical leave was an intelligent measure devised by you to escape the series of eardrum-piercing news plaguing Nigeria from all the six geopolitical zones. It has been alleged that you needed to pass time in a country that is closer to God geographically.
Innocent 'Tuface' Idibia bewildered Nigerians when he backed out of the national protest he convened with advocacy group, Enough is Enough. The peaceful protest was scheduled to agitate for good governance and a better deal for the masses from an administration that was railroaded to power on bombastic political statements. 
Reports have it that Tuface kowtowed to intense pressure from security operatives who threatened the legendary musician with cooked up reports that the protest was going to be hijacked by outlaws. Tuface wanted to achieve a heroic deed on a platter of gold without sacrifices.
The last thing the Benue native wanted was to be fed with Egusi soup and Garri behind bars like other activists have suffered.
As Tuface ran under the long wrapper of his wife - Annie Macauley Idibia; comedian Seyi Law, former PMAN president - Charles 'Charly Boy' Oputa, Nollywood actress - Mercy Aigbe Gentry, Sahara Reporters publisher - Omoyele Sowore and other prominent Nigerians stepped in to inspire the protest amidst threats by security operatives.
Gallant Nigerian youths poured out for the peaceful procession which took place majorly in Abuja, Lagos State and then on a residual note, in Ibadan and Akwa Ibom according to available pictorial evidences. The northern part of the country as well as the South-east dumbfoundedly sat on the fence yesterday despite poverty being rife in the former. The signs of blind loyalty, religion and ethnicity could be perceived but the question is; for how long? 
Dear President, the protesters risked being shot and killed like the supporters of the Independent People of Biafra, IPOB to make a bold statement against you. This is a dent on your popularity. It’s a watershed on a brewing public revolt to end your reign just like former President Jonathan's political annihilation was hatched at the Gani Fawehinmi freedom park, Ojota - Lagos during the massive protest against the removal of fuel subsidy in January, 2012. 
This is a family war involving a father and his children. Any successful attack spells self-destruction and it’s a close shave for both parties with high-costs of victory.
Dear Sir, the #IStandWithBuhari protest organised by the the Pro-Buhari activists as a counter response to the anti-government group - #IStandWithNigeria purposely at the same Unity Park venue in Abuja was a dance of shame. Investigations revealed that the pro-Buhari crowd was bought with a paltry sum of N1,000 by one faceless ‘mobilizer’. Two of the participating ladies admitted their ignorance about the burden of the protest as they begged for a pitiable sum of N100 to buy water under the scorching sun. This is unrepresentative of the true values and public faith that put you on the pedestal you are today. On social media, anybody standing with you is regarded as a 'Yaba Left' candidate (psychiatric patient). I have to truthfully admit I have covered my face in shame and ashes a thousand times for rooting for you sir.
One of your major supporters, Omoyele Sowore at the national stadium - Surulere, Lagos yesterday advocated for a political revolution to cleanse Nigeria and the listening crowd gave him a nod to signify their loss of faith in you sir. 
As I viewed several protest pictures on the internet, I noticed the anti-government protesters might have lagged behind in numbers due to government intimidation and undue meddlesomeness, but their voices were louder in unison without a megaphone. 
Their high spirits in the mood of activism assisted me in picturing the day of Pentecost in the Holy Bible when the disciples were unfathomably yoked with the Holy Ghost which attracted all and sundry to their abode. (Acts Chapter 2 vr 1-12). 
I was totally moved when I saw a physically-challenged man rolling out his wheelchair with a placard in his hand reading; "What happened to the naira". This is the same local currency you promised to equate with the dollar during the 2015 election campaign period. It appears you might have meant otherwise sir as the naira exchanged for a dollar at the rate of N503 to N506 yesterday, 6th of February, 2017.
Your present long distance relationship with Nigeria that has complicated our road to ruination seems dead on arrival as the youths and other stakeholders now call for your resignation. There are reports that your administration has been successfully hijacked by a cabal without the interests of the people at heart. 
Nigeria is now being ruled at a critical time by international phone calls from a sick president presumably on a sick bed. How did we get here and where are we going to? And how can we get out?
As the unfair hands of sickness make our strong Buhari so frail and hideous like the saga surrounding the death of former President Shehu Musa Yar'dua in 2010, Nigerians have lost hope and patience to look forward to 2019 peacefully. Damages are being done to the psyche of Nigerians everyday due to grave economic challenges confronting your administration.
While you are away sir, Governor Ayodele Fayose of Ekiti State publicly revealed a supposed 'divine unction' to be the future president of Nigeria. True lovers of Nigeria have seized the opportunity of lack of money and food to join the ongoing Redeemed Christian Church of God's 40-day fasting and prayer to deter the verbose People's Democratic Party chieftain in the spiritual realm.
The years of the locust, our afflictions, journey through the wilderness and the PDP years shall not rise again!
Dear Buhari, our camp of supporters has been divided like a piece of meat shared among siblings after a meal as done in a typical impoverished African home.
I love you sir but I seem not to know where I stand anymore. Other supporters seem more confused than me. There are indications that former Vice President Atiku Abubakar might be heralded as our new messiah in 2019 to retire you. I fear for the doomed fate of the national treasury sir. I have a strong premonition that 'she' could be raped to death with horny political jobbers taking turns on her.
The streets are in disarray as hunger and despair have left us speaking Chinese despite not leaving the shores of this country for once in our lives.
A social media user and ridiculous political strategist suggested that this country should be finally sold and the proceeds shared among Nigerian citizens so that all parties can move on and forget about the country. I died 6 times when I read that suggestion sir as it measures the degree of hopelessness in this administration.
I will drop my pen here sir as I have strained my eyes writing you this letter in darkness, intense heat with some mosquito musicians feasting on my blood like they are marking an annual insect festival. 
I pray you don't ignore my letter to focus on cartoons as your assistant media aide, Garba Shehu once alleged you are engrossed with.
On a lighter note, I personally miss you sir. May the almighty God protect you and grant you a quick recovery sir. 
With love from Osayimwen Osahon George,
Festac Town, Lagos State. 
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About Osahon

I'm a journalist and a Political Scientist undergoing a doctoral programme focused on media, democracy and governance in Africa. My mission is to uphold the role of the media as the 'fourth estate of the realm' and also tell the Nigerian Story to the world. You can contact me on Phone number: +2347053302356.
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