Nigeria: When Everything Continues to Suffer Free Fall

The last three days of intense fuel scarcity, power outage and protracted inflation have continued to affect the faith of Nigerians in the current administration that promised a paradigm shift in governance. This is a dramatic insight into some recent happenings in the country.

''My brother, with the way things are going in this country ehn, I believe God may be forced to grant all Nigerians a free passage into heaven on the judgement day regardless of our sins oh''

''Nawa for you, which kain talk be that one? You mean Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Shekau and our politicians will make heaven too after making Nigeria hell for us? Don't tell me Babatunde Raji Fashola's expensive darkness as Minister of Power, Works and Housing has started clouding your reasoning''

''You will not blame me, since the power supply currently at 2,035.20MW has joined the naira in dropping every day, I haven't been myself. This is hell already. God must consider Nigerians. We can't pass through fire two times''

''Nor be lie my brother. Interestingly, everyone seems tired of this world. People are suddenly banking on the 97 virgins in heaven like the Islamic suicide bombers. You will not believe an Igbo man in Lagos demanded for 25 litres of fuel and some dollars as part of the dowry of his beautiful daughter''

''God of Olajumoke oh! That is almost impossibility like Ibe Kachikwu's ability to end the fuel crisis in two months. I am sure that man must be ready to marry his daughter as no average Nigerian is up to that task''

''That reminds me, I read Tinubu's attacks on Kachikwu for simply telling Nigerians the gospel truth''

''Wait a minute, who is Tinubu?''

''Jesus! So you don't know Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu, the 16-year governor of Lagos state? The alleged award-winning scriptwriter of Senate President, Bukola Saraki's Code of Conduct Tribunal reality show''

''Oh! you should have simply said Jagaban, Sun Newspapers' man of the year. My brother, I kuku read it oh. The Minister of state for Petroleum resources, Ibe Kachikwu thinks he is still the Vice-President of ExxonMobil West Africa where transparency is key. The ruling party seems to have acute problems with the truth''

''When the honourable Minister of Information and Culture, Lai Mohammed got more budgetary allocation than the Ministry of Agriculture needed to diversity our sick economy, I knew we were in for more propaganda''

''Don't be disrespectful my friend. The Alhaji Lai Mohammed that I know is a very truthful man TECHNICALLY''

"Make I nor lie, I envy the man oh! At least he is chopping government money currently. When I was growing up, I was a great liar but I didn't get the needed encouragement to develop as my parents told me lie has no gains. See how Lai has turned his own life around simply with half-truths. I wish I never let go of my talent, the APC would have hired me''

''This is defamation oh! The APC doesn't lie. You know you are poor already; you will not survive a law suit on your statements. In fact, our Vice President, Yemi Osinbajo is a pastor in one of the biggest ministries in Nigeria''

''Osinbajo again! Was he not the one that said the Goodluck Jonathan and Late Musa Yar'dua's administrations didn't construct any new roads? They have all been schooled by Lai Mohammed. Lai don tey for the game. He knows the truth doesn't work. Not in a country like Nigeria''

''I am getting tired of this discussion. What other lies did the APC tell again? Try to be objective for once in your life''

''Okay, I learned from a reliable source that they have started paying the N5,000 palliatives for the unemployed youths as promised during the electioneering campaign period''

''Shut up! That is a lie!! I have been following the social security initiative till Buhari finally dashed my hopes. That 5k could have helped oh!

''Hahaahahaha can you see how truthful the party is?''

''My brother, its not easy. The prices of oil in the international market have fallen like my great grandmother's breasts, let's hope it finally rises again like Jesus Christ this Easter. But Buhari is fighting corruption and He has created 3 million jobs in the Ministry of Petroleum resources in just 10 months. Oil money tohbad!''

''Guy na anti-corruption war poor man wan chop? In fact those mind-boggling figures of loot exposed are tormenting the masses. I wonder why Buhari is yet to disclose the size of loot recovered thus far. I hope what happened to Ibrahim Lamorde will not take place again. Money could tempt anybody. Can't you see most Nigerian pastors are even interpreting all the scriptures in the Holy Bible to mean money because they need it too? Ehen! Before I forget, when did the Ministry of Petroleum resources start recruiting? How did people apply?''

''My brother, siddon for there. That's the problem with Nigerians. They like being led by the nose. Must the government tell you everything? Well, the department of Street Petrol Hawking Division, SPHD is admitting people. No job experience, nothing, just have your fuel, stand anywhere and your customers will locate you. That's all''

''You mean the black market?''

''No! Na white market. See, I have studied this current economy, anything 'black' is where the money is. That my neighbour, Suleiman, who is an Hausa boy that can't even spell his name has bought a car from this Bureau De Change business. He has been sleeping with all the girls around. In fact I have instructed my fiancee to start wearing Hijab so that he doesn't see her face. You know women are desperate for the money nowadays''

''Aaaaaaah! That hopeless Suleiman. No wonder Garba Shehu, the media aide of Buhari is also eyeing that business''

''Guy I take God beg you oh. How can you say such''

''The news is everywhere already. The People's Democratic Party, PDP revealed the information via Twitter. That man seems to have strong links in the Central Bank of Nigeria. I also learned he has gotten himself a nice piece of land in Abuja courtesy of patronage politics''

''If na you nko? Make God pick my own call sef. CBN again! After allegations of secret recruitment of 909 children of the rich since the year 2014 till date. They even recruited 91 people under the nose of the anti-corruption warlord, Buhari''

''But Buhari should prosecute the CBN Governor, Godwin Emefiele since favouritism and nepotism are corruption too''

''I read CBN applied for 'waiver' from the Federal Character Commission before undertaking the covert recruitment''

''Waiver ko, Good-bye ni. One day, the masses will realize the elite class only need them for their votes during elections. See Rivers state re-run election now. It was the battle of oil between the ruling party and the opposition party''

''I kuku followed it on Tori News. People died and several others were injured. Funny enough, the politicians will never lose any of their children in the crisis but they keep encouraging some gullible youths to die in defending their votes''

''See life, and their children are peacefully studying abroad. I wonder how they are getting Forex to pay the fees of their wards abroad. It seems CBN is just selling dollars to the politicians alone. They don't seem to care about the manufacturers who need imported raw materials for production. Hmmmm! Everything na Man-Know-Man for Naija. Well, their children will one day return to Nigeria with foreign accents like the Finance Minister, Kemi Adeosun to rule us''

''Choi! That woman voice sweet oh! Even when she claimed 16 million plus 6 million will give you 24 million at a senate committee meeting, our senators didn't realize. They must have been lost in fantasies''

''Its a simple mistake jor. It can happen to anybody. Jokes apart, how did she do her auditing jobs at the private sector in the past with such carelessness that went uncorrected? with such a person at the helm of financial affairs, I hope Buhari doesn't fall like the economy in 2019.

''Hahahahaaa! I doubt if Buhari will contest again. He will be 76 then. Sai Baba may need to rest, don't you know junketing is stressful? And besides as a Fulani man, his cattle must have missed his company''

''This Buhari I am seeing maybe gathering inspiration from the 92 year old president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe who intends to rule from a wheelchair. Africa just be like comedy. Nothing wey person nor go hear''

''Nigeria is like an AIDs patient. As you are curing the headache, stomach upset starts, later its body weakness, vomiting and so on. Its high time someone like the Synagogue man, pastor T. B Joshua performed a major miracle on this country. We need total divine healing''

''That's a nice idea oh! See Buhari is our last hope because he doesn't like money as they made us believe. Once he fails, I will suggest we contract the leadership of this country to the Americans or maybe the Chinese. We need expert hands to do this job''

''I prefer the Chinese, their economy is almost the largest in the world but their language doesn't seem learnable''

''My brother, we have been talking for 6 hours now. Let me head to the filling station. I am sure the queue should be close to my turn now''

''I wish you good luck oh. I will come and charge my phones at your house later. Flash my phone number two times if you finally get fuel but I doubt your luck''

''You don't even have faith. There is nothing God can't do. See you later''
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About Osahon

I'm a journalist and a Political Scientist undergoing a doctoral programme focused on media, democracy and governance in Africa. My mission is to uphold the role of the media as the 'fourth estate of the realm' and also tell the Nigerian Story to the world. You can contact me on Phone number: +2347053302356.
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