HILARIOUS: The Different Classes of Ladies You Find on Facebook

Facebook can be safely termed as one of the most popular and biggest social media platforms in the world today. Virtually everyone has an account on it. After a concentrated research on the characters of people on Facebook which is being placed side by side with their normal day to day behaviours, you will observe cases of a sharp contrast. Simply put, a lot of people have been living double lives. This hypocritical trend has caught the attention of the Village Town Crier and I have categorized them into different groups which are enumerated and explained below:

(1) The stark hypocrites:
This class is filled with highly deceitful people who are like ''old chameleons''. They have the ability to switch to any mode they desire to. All they do is post about God and make inspirational quotes. Their wall looks dry with no real life occurrences. They give you the impression that they are busy while they stay close to their Facebook account like a company's social media manager. Don't be swayed by what you see, they are the types that will give thanks to God even after a sex romp when they are not legally married.

(2) The 'waist' marketers:
Ladies in this class are very strict. They have no time to waste because the queue is very long. They will never type in details. Even if you send them a textbook-size message, they will either reply with a smiley or ''ok'' word. The chat only gets intense when it is financial. They judge people by the locations they snap pictures from, the gadgets/devices they use in uploading Facebook pictures, the cars, the house and the quality of friends as contained in your photo albums. You don't discuss love with such people. They only language of love they understand is when their palms are greased with that THING politicians kill for in Nigeria.

(3) The horny ladies:
These ones are terrible. They are so uncultured with their posts. They bend every statement or article to something sexual. Any slight change in the weather condition affects them. Even when the rain is just drizzling, they will find a way to Facebook to update ''weather for two''. This should be the best moment to hit the farm for agricultural purposes but these ones engage in strictly indoor games with men whose energy is needed on the field to boost food production in Nigeria. 90% of their posts strictly contain adult contents which they flood their pages with shamelessly for attention purposes. The irony behind dealing with ladies of their kind is that they are only good with words, they are sexually empty inside.

(4) The 'coded' class:
This class of girl is not easily noticeable. They are just like normal people on Facebook that are neither here nor there. They are so boring and always have no much issue to discuss. They are like the 'baby snakes' with the most poisonous venom compared to the adult ones. They are very self-cautious and protect their names like they are recognized people in the society. They may be on your page for a whole year without them liking a post or picture on your wall but your entire activities are in their heads. If you are bold enough to hook them up through a private message and endure their dryness, you will bountifully from the good of the land. They don't dress to impress, they are just normal and appear cheap fashion-wise. They are mostly introverts. They appear shy at first with one faint but constant smile on their innocent faces. They will never give you convincing details about their sex lives. When they encounter most strategic questions they reply with 'hmmm' which could be frustrating most times. They are the kind of ladies that offer ALL the sexual facilities behind closed doors. They are 'innocently' bad. They are fashioned to catch unsuspecting guys unaware.

(5) The beggars:
These ones are the online beggars soliciting for alms with swagger in the form of recharge cards. Their internet subscription is always set to expire the very day you message them. The funniest part is that most of them operate fake profiles. They are males posing as females in order to exploit unsuspecting guys looking for cheap ladies on Facebook. Most of them always operate fresh Facebook accounts with no history. They disable wall posts so that aggrieved victims wouldn't expose them. The account comes with only ONE unreal profile picture and maybe some other cartoon images. Some of them will tell you to send money as recharge cards to fund their visit to our place. Even if you give them an address in Sambisa forest beside Abubakar Shekau's hut, they will still volunteer to come so far you are ready to pay. The truth is they will only come in your imaginations or dreams.

(6) The continental liars:
I will rather forgive the devil rather than wish he meets a girl from this category. These ones go as far as lying to themselves. Perpetually, their entire lives are a beautiful lie. Even their pictures lie. They will never snap in their house environment even if you put a gun to their heads due to the impoverished status of it. They only snap when randy men take them out to eat at special locations. Consequently, they flood Facebook with such pictures to make people believe that is how they live. Their pictures are always doctored. They have several picture editing applications on their Smartphones. Each picture passes through one application or the other till it finds its way to Facebook. Some of them who are very 'brief' in stature, they forbid full length pictures. All they do is take headshots. Meeting them at the bustop with high expectations may lead to a public shedding of tears or gnashing of teeth especially when your money had been far spent to build a connection. This class of ladies are heartless with deceit, they could post ''Flight things" #En route Abuja while they are at Mowe Ibafo fearlessly confronting an Okada man over a N20 note dispute. On the other hand, she is that cream Facebook girl that will never post in Pidgin English or talks about Nigerian songs. That's the irony of life.

(7) The motivational speakers:
The ones are in a world of theirs. They have created an imaginary mansion for themselves and they are happily living inside. 99% of their posts are to inspire people. They copy popular posts from top authors or individuals and share on their Facebook walls. The truth is that most of them are not even inspired. They can't even practice what they preach. What they share are just mere words they can hardly subscribe to even if it will only cost a Naira.

(8) The E-commerce ladies:
These ones have turned our dear Facebook into a market place. They know the right spots to rent shops and start their businesses but they will never do so. All they want is the cheapest publicity. They storm Facebook with constant irritating messages of bags, shoes and clothes they quietly bought at Yaba market of a second-hand grade called ''Okrika''. They brand these goods and hype them online with queen’s English. The most annoying behaviour common among them is that they could tag a man to a ladies' handbag along with a large group of people. This will attract heavy comments with incessant notifications. I am not interested in doing a Denrele or a CharlyBoy now. If they were that good at selling, why didn't Niiyo.com, Jumia or Konga employ them at their sales departments? As usual, some reckless wannabes fall for them and end up paying so big. You have to be very careful with these ones if you are a guy with loose boxers. They are always in need of investors. You may end up investing in a business without returns whether on bed or in the bank.

(9) The Sympathizers/mourners:
These set of girls are very dangerous people I wish I could drag out of my computer screen and administer a professional beating to with the hope they would turn a new leaf. These set of girls will never use Facebook until a friend or a celebrity dies. Immediately they get a wind of bad news, they get online to make posts like "R.I.P'', "Miss him" "So sad" "Wish I could turn back the hands of time" "#Tears" Since Nigerians are passionate about bad news to which they blow out of proportion, a lot of people rush to her wall to find out who just died. They upload pictures of their dead friends on their wall with a very sympathetic caption to prompt views, likes and comment. For example, when Paul Walker died a lot of Nigerians joined the mourning bandwagon as a way of feeling connected and informed. Some had to check Google to know his identity while mourning.

(10) The facially-challenged:
This class is a very pitiful one. Most of the people in this class always deny their membership like it is a secret cult. Some people don't even know they belong to this class. These set of people hardly get attention from guys on Facebook. Some guys target them specifically to take advantage of them; they term them as easy preys. Such guys don't mind meeting them the same day the communication was struck. They hardly take them to eateries or public places. The meeting point is always their house to avoid public view. In fact on most occasions, they take them to the bedroom straight. After this, the guy either starts to extort money from her or probably blocks her on Facebook right away.
In case you are in this category and you don't know, or probably you know and you are deceiving yourself, there are three major ways you can ascertain where you stand on the beauty scale and they are namely:

- You snap several pictures, you upload the few best or even all but nobody could spare you a 'comment' or a 'like' on Facebook. The only person that gave you attention on the pictures was your roommate or cousin or maybe you get a comment like 'hmmm', 'just passing-by' 'who has a Nokia charger?’. My sister, you are a member of this class.

- You snap pictures and tag all your friends to it. After tagging like 30 friends, you see 2 likes and people quietly go there to remove their names with some politely telling you through a private message never to try such again. My lovely sister na still that class oh.

- You only have to get almost naked to attract picture likes and comments. My only sister, that class ehn, na there oh. I want to tell you that you are not alone. People like you marry so early every Saturdays because of low expectations on a taste of suitors but the beautiful ones will wait till they are above thirty years in search of Dangote's son who is still enjoying with some Latino girls on some lonely Islands across the world.

This list was compiled for the purpose of humour. This blog has been too serious of late and I felt like spicing up the feeling here and serving everybody with different areas of interests. Please don't take my words too personal. Just laugh it off. I remain your Village Town Crier with an M.sc. It’s not that I don't want to work in the corporate circle or at the Government House and probably be entitled to the N8.64 billion wardrobe allowance but I just have a strong passion for my town-crying career. Do you really believe that? Lol.

Thanks so much reader.
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About Osahon

I'm a journalist and a Political Scientist undergoing a doctoral programme focused on media, democracy and governance in Africa. My mission is to uphold the role of the media as the 'fourth estate of the realm' and also tell the Nigerian Story to the world. You can contact me on smile2georgex@yahoo.com Phone number: +2347053302356.
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