Open letter to my 'imaginary' lover (TRUE LIFE STORY)

Love is beautiful; love is so adorable and heavily desired. Love offers the best state of happiness. We all want to be loved. At a point of attainment of puberty, a man naturally begins to desire more from a female company. It’s a natural phenomenon. The body calls for it. It’s a common battle we all fight. The purpose of this piece is to share a particular experience that will forever linger in my head.
This is a true life experience showcasing the painful ordeal I went through in my quest of finding real love. I have always had this mental picture of a certain lady in my head; she appears to be from the utopian world. She is so full of perfection in characters and physical features. Atimes, I wish I could bring her out of my head and love her but that seems impossible. I wish I could talk about this imaginary love but this piece will sound so poetic and deep. Love is like an illusion, true love they say is like a ghost we all talk about but no one I have ever seen. Join me as I connect my fantasies with the reality on ground.

Dear Antelope,

I hope my letter meets you well? I hope you still find a little place to keep me in your heart? I think of you everyday like the biblical judgment day. I hope you spare time to remember me just for a second in a week despite your crowded heart? I have endless questions in my head with the hope of getting answers from you in my dream even though they will be deceitful. Lie to me about loving me and I will call a huge party to celebrate. If being with you will painfully make me happy then I will gladly be a ‘happy fool’ till the day I breathe no more. The memory of meeting you still remains evergreen in my head. I could forget everything in my life but the date of sighting you can never be erased even through a surgical operation. On the 16th of November 2013, I was with a group of friends at your school having a chat. It was a regular spot we always visited to buy soft drinks and fried potato chips. We also used that avenue to admire and gossip about a couple of cute girls around in your school. That fateful day, I saw this damsel walk pass me, she was the kind of girls that do play key roles in movies. She had the ideal features I have always desired in my mental picture of that future partner. What a beauty to behold, so tall, slim, had a flat tummy, straight legs and with cat eyes. She was wearing a pink bump-shorts and a pink spaghetti top to match. Her smile looked like a force that could cause rainfall. I was so dumbfounded at the sight of her.

My friends kept staring at her and commending her beauty. We all looked at her earnestly till she disappeared into her hostel. That was you Antelope, which was how high I rated you. The next day, we visited the same spot to gist and buy things only for a friend who used to model with me for a photo studio to bring you Antelope to me for introduction. I almost melted seeing you face to face. Your voice was distinct. Immediately I felt like making your voice my ringtone. I tried to be funny by introducing myself to you as a celebrity who has starred in a couple of TV soaps which was true. I can remember the incessant smiles on your face when you heard that. You couldn’t stop smiling. You told me your English name which was quite uncommon. You gave me a short lesson on how to pronounce it. From that moment I was lost in the world of imaginations. I approached your friend to express my desire to date you. My model friend became so furious like I was dating her. Her reaction was as wild as a fire spiced up with petrol. She discouraged me about approaching you. I knew winning your heart would be so competitive and tough because you possess the kind of beauty a blind man would perceive. I came around your school walking aimlessly around hoping to see you. I prayed fervently in my heart that your path and that of mine should cross. That night my prayers were answered. I saw you coming from afar; it was as If I was daydreaming. It was that day that I realized the power of wishes. I approached you and asked for your phone number. Without hesitation you gave it to me. I could remember the first time I called you; it was as if I won a lottery. Your voice was so sweeter than nectar, it was as clear as the fountain water. That night I slept smiling.

Not too long my joy about you was cut short. I boasted about you before my friends, they hailed me like a newly coronated King because your beauty was royalty. I put the phone on loudspeaker due to their popular demand. I called severally but you never responded. I was sweating profusely like an old jamb candidate waiting online to check his score. When you responded my dear Antelope, you lied about not being available not knowing I was in the dark with my friends watching you pass by with a guitar in your hands. That day was like my own personal judgment day. I immediately left for my house to save my tears. I looked so pitiful as I went home. My dear Antelope, I rolled from one corner to the other on the bed hoping to find sleep but I couldn’t. I started to feel I was under a love spell. Funny enough the painful thoughts of you were mixed with an unexplainable sweetness. It was a sweet pain of romance. At exactly 11pm I got a text message alert on my phone. As I checked, I prayed strongly It should be from you and to my greatest surprise it was you. You told me to call you. Immediately I made the call, you apologized for what happened but dear girl before you did I had already forgiven you. I never wanted to terminate the call. That night I slept like a new born baby.

Not too long we started chatting on whatsapp. You kept sending me loads of pictures. I showed the world my dear. I was proud of you. I lost several female friends when I made you my display picture on whatsapp. Your looks caught the attention of my ex girls. This was more than a sexual feeling. I used to anticipate your message alerts like bank credit alerts. Then came one day when you told me you were in a serious relationship. That day I realized the herculean sacrifice attached to good things. I lost hope partially but still kept calling as a friend. We met again after the New Year celebration. I can never forget the joy in your eyes when you saw me. You grabbed my laptop bag as we went to read together at your school library. Dear girl, that day I read nothing. I was looking into my big masters textbooks but I was seeing you. Reading you was something I wish I could still do again to pass the toughest examinations my dear Antelope. I looked into your eyes and your beauty was so natural. So appealing and tempting.

I will never fail to forget the night you took me to a quiet classroom in your school and told me you had a back ache. Then I had already lost hope about dating you. I never saw it coming. You laid beside me and complained severely about the pains. Out of curiosity and deep concern I asked if I could help you massage it. It was a risk I took like one of the prominent entrepreneurs. To my greatest surprise you said ‘yes’. I tried locating the spot but I never found it till my hands went astray. To my greatest shock you were unusually quiet. I withdrew like a gentleman. You rested your head on my laps as I told you about my best moments while growing up. I am a truthful type but with the heat of the moment I garnished my talk with some little lies unconsciously because my brain had taking a short stroll to my waist region. A lot happened that night but the sacred apple was never eaten. You held me so tight quietly; suddenly I wished I could die in your arms. I ran home screaming like a fool at 40. Just as if I had never been with a girl before all my life.

Dear Antelope, to cut the long story short, my joy with you was short-lived. I found myself being unnecessarily stupid. I could remember our first closed door meeting. I never believed I could spend over 5hrs with a beautiful and appealing girl like you just gisting and playing without the otherwise happening. My friends kept pinging me for questions and I had to hide my phone from you. A friend once told me he got aroused with the imagination of both of us together. That was sick of him. Even as we parted ways that day you wanted to stay longer with me but I had a place to go. We both visited a restaurant and to my amusement you asked me to feed you publicly. As I did, I saw the woman in charge of the restaurant giving me that hate look hahaahaa. Jealousy is always allowed.

The joy unknowingly started turning to pains within a short period of time. Your truths were disguised lies. You had a heart that could accommodate the whole world. You were like a loving mother with an equal love for thousands of her kids. You never walked alone like you were an ardent supporter of Liverpool FC of England. My blood pressure increased every moment I saw you in ungodly positions with different guys. I don’t cry at all in a year but that year I couldn’t count the number of times I shed tears.

I remember when you had the wrong feelings that you were pregnant, something like the virgin Mary carrying a baby, I stood by you. I promised to soil my clean hands with blood if that’s the only way I could prove to you that I care. Even on Valentine’s Day, you were ready to sell that day to the highest bidder. You couldn’t make up your mind till the last minute. I ended up going for a prestigious Valentine dinner alone. I became the central focus of the event due to how handsome and gorgeous I looked. It became a glaring pain when I was asked on the red carpet why I came alone. No good answer could justify that my dear Antelope. You ended up attending a rough party; the raunchy photos of the events went viral among your school mates. As I saw them one by one I felt bullet holes in my body. I will never forget the day I pleaded with you to change at the school library with me on my knees all through. I sacrificed my dignity as a man doing that. I just wanted you to feel my utmost sincerity and pains. All you did that day was cry endlessly and hold me tight. Seeing you cry hurt me more. It’s an action I can’t tell my friends that I took. I will never fail to remember the young artiste you dated shortly. He had all the features you claimed you never liked, he had nothing whatsoever to offer you my dear Antelope but you dated him. A boy that had all the respect for me in the world suddenly became my rival. Your engagements with him made me a laughing stock among my friends. I remember the day I kept calling you on phone, I was watching you from a distance, you were with him but you lied about being elsewhere. You laughed and held him closely. I almost prayed to die. Just as if that was not enough, you started seeing my distant friend under my nose. That was one hell of a torture I lived with for a very long time. My smiles were unreal, I cried inside. I kept quiet just to display maturity. While with all these people you were so happy and excited, but with me you will wear a moody look.

On the social media, you were like a celebrity with nothing substantial to offer. I warned you about your addiction to chatting. I am sure you felt I was only feeling jealous and threatened till the day you forgot your bag full of your school survival requirements and money at the boot of a cab. It zoomed off in your face before you remembered. You cried profusely and wasn’t ready to return to school. You embarked on a fruitless search for the cab at the dangerous car parks. A gang-rape that day would have compounded your woes. I never knew about the incidence. My heart in a way connected with you, I felt it clearly in my spirit that you were in danger even though we hadn’t spoken for over a week. I was later forced to make the call, only to hear that awful story. I advised you to come over to school as I waited for you. You cried like you missed heaven. I told you I was going to help you with everything you lost even if it meant breaking rules. You probably thought I was blabbing; all your so called ‘friends’ absconded. I even went as far as stealing from my own home to prove a point despite your infidelity. Up till this moment I got nothing in return. Well maybe my interest rates were paid in the form of tears and pains by you.

Dear Antelope, you were not totally bad anyway. You were a good friend to me and a terrible lover. You were concerned about my future. You believed in me so much. At a time I had only bad news to share with you but it didn’t move you. You will spend hours with me even when I had nothing palatable to offer you to eat. You will hold my hands publicly for people to get the love picture; we attracted a lot of attention. Kissing you publicly was the height of it. Deep inside of me I longed to see what our baby would look like in the future. Atimes you appeared so desperate about seeing me. It made me feel uncomfortable severally but I loved the feeling of being cared for. I remember when I had chicken pox, I was so contagious but you were still bent on seeing me. I am sorry I never allowed that. I will kill myself if I ruin that beauty of yours.

When you laid on my bed, you were a queen to watch. Your beauty was deadly without make-ups, in the morning you watched me dress up for church and I felt on top of the world when you told me how long you have fantasized about seeing me wear clothes. You said you were scared of marrying me because of my good looks. That day I walked around in high spirits even throughout the week due to your uplifting expressions. I will never forget some occasions when you will reject monetary gifts from me because you felt I needed it more. I accept the failure of not taking good care of you. I was willing but my pocket was weak. That was one hell of a trauma that I was subject to. Today we are apart, I wonder if we will ever talk again. At a point I felt like killing you but time has healed my wounds. I wish I could have you back. I wish you could still hurt me again. This sounds crazy but I have missed the cases of our drama and reconciliations. This is a feeling I can’t share with people. I feel like the greatest hypocrite. Every day I fight the feeling of not dialing your number. I can’t fight it anymore. Seeing you last week was difficult for me. We both looked at each other and walked away quietly. I know you like the back of my hand Antelope; it was boldly written on your face that you have missed me. I have missed you more my Antelope. I hope I can hold on a little longer, my strength is failing me.I have reached the conclusion that you were never mine, our love was more in my head as an ‘imaginary thingie’. Now I am writing this open letter to ease my pains. I hope it works. I hope you will read this letter and write back even though I don’t want you to write back. My obsession with you is worse than being sick. I will love you forever my sweet Antelope.

                                                                                                        Yours Sincerely,
                                                                                                         Osayimwen Osahon George
                                                                                                         Online Editor,
                                                                                                         Jetheights Services Limited.
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About Osahon

I'm a journalist and a Political Scientist undergoing a doctoral programme focused on media, democracy and governance in Africa. My mission is to uphold the role of the media as the 'fourth estate of the realm' and also tell the Nigerian Story to the world. You can contact me on Phone number: +2347053302356.
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